By Brian McKay
Tip 1: A boy looks at his smart phone for the time. A man looks at his watch.
Tip 2: If a guy seeks out a woman half his age than he probably has the soul of a 15-year-old.
Guys, it doesn't matter how pretty she is. If she can't relate to the fact that you had 3 tv channels growing up, woke up at 5.30 am to watch Smurfs on a Saturday morning and thought KITT in Knightrider was the coolest thing ever, you just have arm candy. Move on and find a soul mate that also wished that Nellie from Little House on the Prairie would fall down an abandoned well.
Only then will you be complete.
Tip 3: I you must look at a Playboy don't tell her you just "read" it for the articles.
She is way smarter than you and figured out long ago that you don't have the mental ability to both hold a magazine sideways and still "read" it. Instead you should ask her to look at it with you and find yourself very impressed with her ability to tell what it is airbrushed and what is not.
Tip 4: The best advice in life will always come from little old people that drink a whiskey or scotch every day.
Why is this? I have no idea. Just always take what they say to heart. If it is a little old lady and she has a raspy smokers voice the advice will be even better.
Tip 5: Sheep were put on this planet for one reason.
They give you the material for superior sport coats and suits. Always spend the extra for nice wool.
If you initially thought sheep were put here for some other reason you might be a very sick individual and I can't help you. Get counseling.
Tip 6: Learn How to Get Free Drinks.
If you challenge people to recite the Pledge of Allegiance at a bar, you will win 4 out 5 times. If you just so happen to find yourself in a Packers or Raiders bar, that percentage will be much higher.
Once it works out, send me a dollar as a thank you.
Tip 7: Know what is your real job as Dad.
Sure you work, help get them to school, help with homework, feed them, etc., but those are all your secondary jobs. Your main jobs are to embarrass them in stores, scare the heck out of them when they watch scary movies and do goofy things that make them laugh.
You do these things to make sure they have lasting memories from childhood and grow up with just enough psychosis to be normal.
Tip 8: Even if it is the apocalypse tomorrow, don't tailgate.
Unless you are training in drafting for your upcoming NASCAR race, you have no reason to drive 6 inches from someone's bumper. Science has proven that being an asshole doesn't get you anywhere faster regardless the mode of transportation. If anything you might just piss of a guy named Bubba who has a bad temper and a gun rack in his truck. Beware.
Tip 9: Adopt a Furry Friend
Unconditional love is pretty cool. Go to the shelter and find the dog that has been there for a while. He might be older or not as cute but he will be so grateful to be your best friend and he needs a home. He brings with him incredible benefits such as: 1) coming home from work to find someone happy to see you 2) stress relief through petting 3) a great excuse to go for a walk 4) when no one else will listen, he gladly will.
As a bonus, women will see what a great guy you really are for taking in the one that really needed a home.
Tip 10: Know which kind of things to spend your money on
Things that are bought to be collected or to enhance your social standing don't make you truly happy. Things that help create or enhance experiences do.
Believe it or not, a new bowling ball or pair of hiking boots will always be worth more than a gold watch.
Tip 11: Do something bad.
Sometimes it feels good to be bad. Tonight cut on the counter without a cutting board or throw a soda can in the regular trash can instead of the recycling and think to yourself, "Oh yeah it feels good to be bad."
Tip 12: Trim your eye brows.
You will never be as cool as Einstein or Sam the Eagle (from the Muppets) and therefore never able to pull off having a big clump of sage brush above your eyes. Get out some scissors and get to work.
Tip 13: Know why she likes sparkly things
As primitive people we were always searching for things that fostered life. Water sparkles in the sun and thus an affinity for sparkle was born. Women, being the care givers to cute little cave babies, were even more so drawn to the sparkle. Thus the term "diamonds are a girl’s best friend". So most likely our genetic makeup carries a propensity to like sparkly things with a higher weighting towards women.
Wave something sparkly in front of her and say "look it gives life". Her blank stare will either confirm this or mean she thinks you are weird. So there is a 50/50 chance that I am correct.
Tip 14: Avoid strip clubs
Few things are more lame than a strip club. Unless you have to attend a bachelor party or wish to study the mating rituals of men who never grew up and equate giving away little green pieces of paper with seduction capital, you have no business there. You are better than that.
Give your dollar bills to a charity and bask in how much smarter you are than those other guys.
Tip 15: Stand up for people that are unable to stand for themselves. Be kind. Be rebellious. Let go.
Brian McKay is a zenruption co-founder. He likes to think he is a real man. Brian has much to learn. The zenruption staff knows this.
Feature photo courtesy of Flickr, under Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial license