By Brian McKay
The car pulled up. I think it was a Mini Cooper. The S ones are pretty badass. In any case, it was the two door model. Out they poured. One, two, three… twenty. How the fuck can that many clowns fit in that car and it still be drivable?
Clowns pull off crazy shit like that. I am pretty sure that many makeup adorned people in a two door Mini Cooper is a record. The fact that they went on to make the Republican National Convention a complete fucking clown show, is just a bonus.
Let’s recap some of the best moments while we adorn ourselves with scary clown face makeup.
1) Let’s start with what was proclaimed to be the most popular joke at the RNC: A Jihadi walks into a gay bar and the bartender asks him, “What would you like to have?”. The Jihadi says, “Shots for everyone.”
2) Republicans managed to keep their art form pure and craft the most anti-gay RNC platform ever. This is all great stuff pulled from their 40+ page platform of pure insanity. Let’s start with, “Foremost among those institutions is the American family. It is the foundation of civil society, and the cornerstone of the family is natural marriage, the union of one man and one woman.” and, “All of which give us these truths about traditional marriage: Children raised in a two-parent household tend to be physically and emotionally healthier, more likely to do well in school, less likely to use drugs and alcohol, engage in crime or become pregnant outside of marriage.” Oh fuck yes! Marriage isn’t for anyone in the LGBTQ community and kids raised in non-traditional households will surely be fucked up. Hell ya! I am heading off to a Christian gansta rap show after this.
3) Discrimination against those not Christian is one of the leading tenants of the Republican platform and is reaffirmed by statements in the platform like, “We oppose government discrimination against businesses or entities which decline to sell items or services to individuals for activities that go against their religious views about such activities.” Yep. If I proclaim a religious belief, then fuck you! No pizzas or cakes for your immoral wedding.
4) Ben Carson connected Hilary Clinton to Lucifer by linking her to Saul Alinsky, who once offered praise to Lucifer in a book to describe what kind of president a Democrat would be. On the dedication page of Rules for Radicals, Alinsky acknowledges Lucifer as the original radical. Yes, “the Light Bringer” was indeed a radical, and no, the pyramids still weren’t used to store grain.
5) Ted Cruz was booed for refusing to endorse Donald Trump as the nominee. His wife was rushed from the floor because being any kind of dissenter on the convention floor in the Age of Trump is seriously dangerous to your health. While I continue to fear Cruz as a theocratic nightmare, I must say that his fortitude is impressive.
6) Melania’s speech was plagiarized. If you don’t know about this yet, you neither use the Internet nor watch late night tv. Four score and twenty years ago… wait I didn’t write that.
7) The first day of the convention saw a delegation calling for a rules change and changing the voice vote to an actual roll call vote. It didn’t happen, the anti-Trump group was dismayed and traditional Republican powers-that-be remained in charge. The traditional power structure was reaffirmed by the chair Rep. Steve Womack just leaving the stage instead of following parliamentary procedure. No dissent allowed.
8) Trump walked out onto the stage to “We are the Champions”. Yes, the most homophobic RNC platform in history preceded using a song sung by Freddie Mercury. We are truly sorry Freddie.
9) Laura Ingram finished her speech with a Nazi salute. Yes, she did.
10) The use of famous people was utterly prolific with such big name stars as Scott Baio, from Happy Days, and Willie Robertson, from Duck Dynasty. Rolling out those big names was surely unfair to the Democrats.
11) One could go on for days with the massive amounts of inaccuracies and bullshit from Trump’s acceptance speech, but instead let this sink in; this jackass is the fucking Republican nominee for the Presidency. The KKK toasted tonight with Bud Light Limes and a very non-spicy guacamole dip.
So watch the politics, but don't lose sight of the fact that it is a circus. This can be forgotten as we lose track of how many clowns get out of the car, beeping their horns and distracting us all as they pick our pockets.
Brian McKay is a co-founder kinda guy. His role is murky as he reconciles a love of whiskey sours against social change. Once-in-a-while he professes to take charge of an existence that might possibly not exist. Certainly today's hang over did exist though. He wishes everyday that Donald Trump did not.
Feature photo courtesy of Flickr, under Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial license