By Brian Mckay
It doesn’t look good for you, Trumpy. Possible witness intimidation with James Comey, constant violations of the Emoluments Clause, that whole Russia thing, destruction of our standing in the world, a White House in tatters and your own misery in being President.
The Republican Party is opposed to impeachment obviously but they are stuck in a tough place as being tied to a man with 37% approval ratings this early in his term is a disaster. Impeachment hurts them, your behavior hurts them and your ever more dismal approval ratings hurt them daily. Should more and more impropriety be revealed, they just don’t have a choice other than be perceived as complicit with a man losing more and more public support.
The Irish betting site, Paddy Power, now has odds of your impeachment at 60%. Odds you won’t complete your first term in office currently sit at 8/11. In fact, they have an entire betting page for you. Take a look. Now that’s some serious ratings.
Donny, you might need this article as I am giving you a list of things you might want to do after it’s all over.
Take up exercise: You don’t believe in exercise because you feel people are born with only a limited daily amount of energy and exercise uses it up. Well Donny, those Big Macs and KFC on Air Force One are taking a toll. The last president that couldn’t fit in a regular bathtub was William Howard Taft back in 1908. You’re catching up fast.
Create a line of gloves for men with freakishly small hands: Hey, it could be more profitable than your Trump steaks were (all because you didn’t include a bottle of Trump ketchup).
Avoid travel to Europe: Donny, you should avoid travel almost anywhere. They kind of hate you. I do hear Russia might be friendly though and that the working girls already have experience with what you like.
A line of Trump fake tanner: Holy shit! That would be yuuuge.
Marriage counseling: Actually, don’t bother. She’s done with you. By the way, father / daughter marriage is not legal.
Go to church: No not the Presbyterian church you claimed to go to but never did. Go to church with the evangelicals you conned into believing you were as good as Jesus himself. You’ve earned that Sunday hell and surely you’ll have some repenting to do.
Allow Barron to go to a hairstylist that doesn’t think slicking hair back is still cool: Please don’t let that poor spoiled kid end up looking like your other sons.
Own a business that doesn’t go bankrupt and screw its investors and banks. This could be difficult for you but go back to the idea at point 2. It creates true consumer value, something you are yet to accomplish. Get at it.
Reduce the yearly membership fee at Mar-a-Lago: Honestly, do you think anyone will really pay 200k a year after all of this ends?
Start another Trump University: This time just make it about how to fuck people over with fake real estate investing classes. It is something you do know and everyone will get their money’s worth for once.
Shave it off: c’mon Orange One, that hair. Have some dignity.
Go up to really rich people and say, “Yo bitch, who saved you even more in taxes?” Make sure they know that they owe you for their success and not the average American people they screw over regularly.
The public has spoken: They want you to do another reality tv show. This time please have it set on one the of low lying Pacific island chains you just flipped off while withdrawing from the Paris Agreement. I recommend doing it Undercover Boss style for like 2 years straight. Ratings should be through the roof. We all know you love ratings.
Wow! There are just so many options for you Donny. This list could go for days, but we will let it end with 13 good ideas.
It’s too bad the greatest thing you could ever do will never happen; get over your ego, see the uptick in hate crimes because of you, look over the environment you wish to destroy for our kids, evaluate the gifts you handed to banks and big business, see the international relations you have destroyed, look at what your hubris and ego has cost this country in your short period of destruction and apologize.