Communism is dead. It has been dead for over 20 years. Most likely it never truly existed to begin with.

The widespread use of the term in the U.S. for the last 8 years would make one believe that communism is still alive and well. Furthermore, it has become a concerted conspiracy with long term goals that are executed over decades to subvert the American people. Regardless of the fact that political movements are impatient and conspiracies are too complex and involve too much rational maximization of self-interest to exist, communism is now a commonly used word among a good third of this country.

People read The Naked Communist, a book published in 1958 that was so utterly ridiculous that even the Mormon Church, of which the author was a member, has distanced itself from him. Ben Carson, a fucking Presidential candidate at the time, is a fan of this book that claims that the communists use modern art and acceptance of homosexuality as just some of their tools to integrate into a society and take over. Never mind that if you were gay in communist Russia you suffered horribly. Just Google Willard Cleon Skousen, the author, and tell me what you think of the John Bircher moron.

Yes, people actually read this shit and believe it in the 2010’s. The website espouses a new part of the conspiracy daily. Recently, I had the privilege of learning on Infowars that there was a chemical the US government could put in juice boxes to turn kids gay. Yep, the conspiracy lives and always lead back to those crazy communists.

Globalists, Barack Obama, the Pope, Hilary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, George Soros, the U.N., atheists, the LGBTQ community, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, solar panels, anyone that doesn’t revise history, all of fucking Europe and certainly the entire state of California, are all in on this evil scheme. Even Wall Street elites are often in on it despite the fact that communism isn’t good for hedge funds.

Just to be helpful, I am providing a few talking points on communism for my paranoid and, possibly, schizophrenic brothers and sisters in this great commune called America.

Communism was never realized in its intended form. Marx saw it as an evolution that came about after various forms of government were realized. Anyone who tried to force it never truly got it. Everyone that claimed to create a communist country never really did get it. We are moving there more than ever before at this point. Capitalism is the last system in the transition, according to Marx. Normally capitalism should sustain itself, but the power of money and greed over a few recent decades are currently destroying capitalism. The best way to preserve capitalism is to keep it responsible.

There are no communist countries left. China and Vietnam are just capitalism with central control. In fact, China was no longer communist the minute Deng Xiaoping created special economic zones. North Korea is simply a dictatorship that has persisted through a line of succession. Venezuela doesn't even rate as anything more than a country that says it is socialist, but drugs are cheap and it is a complete fucking mess. They do produce amazing Ms. World contestants though.

Communism would destroy everything that makes the so called global elite, actually elite. Under communism all production, enterprise and housing was owned by the state. Production was determined by a five-year plan that was never met by any factory as meeting it would just mean the next five years would be harder. Not a single bit of this model would facilitate being ultra-rich in today’s society. Even the highest party members just got nicer apartments in Moscow. Billionaires today get private airplanes, $100 million mansions and Ferraris. No one in the global elite wants communism when they can just own your “democratic” government outright and lead the good life. Furthermore, go tell or any other private enterprise that people shouldn't bust ass as much because the next five-year plan will be even more harsh. In our society, all that matters is your place on the economic ladder.

The main facilitator of Communist movements was a tightly controlled media. It is guaranteed that pandering to ratings to the extent of CNN proclaiming the deadliest shark bite summer ever and Fox News covertly fueling communist fears based on oil prices, never would have happened the 80’s, under Gorbachev. Glenn Beck would certainly have been executed as a subversive (I sincerely wish).

Intellectuals were always a main target of Communist governments, as they are the enemies of all authoritarian regimes. Mao Zedong particularly targeted intellectuals during the Cultural Revolution. The intelligentsia was certainly not loved by Stalin and really pounded out some rocks in Siberian work camps until they died of malnutrition. Isn't it funny that the Tea Party is very anti-intellectuals and universities as well?

Despite the claims of evil modern art made by The Naked Communist, innovative art and music was pretty limited under communist governments. When old people equate modern music with evil, just snicker silently to yourself and walk away. That a shark in a massive jelly cube sold to some asshole for $30 million never would have happened under communism. That is a truly good thing for sharks in jelly cubes.

Communist countries polluted the shit out of the environment. They didn't care as they were trying to meet the damn five-year plan to prevent toilet paper hoarding. Modern day environmentalists are not communists. In fact, they are more like responsible capitalists that realize that over exploitation of a market or resource screws everyone in time. They further see that the long term ROI of sustainable energy far exceeds the use of fossil fuels. The next time you see a redneck with exhaust stacks on his truck for the purpose of spewing black smoke, feel free to tell him that he is behaving like a goddamn communist and send that little moron my way.

Sex was especially covered up and hidden in communist countries. Few things are more disruptive and antiestablishment than getting horny and being primal. When the Wall fell, East German families tried to crowd into sex shops with their kids in tow, just to see something they had never seen before. Who in American politics fears sex?

So here is the headline for you: Obama is nothing close to a communist. The Affordable Care Act was more an attempt to stop unbelievable inflation in health and produce better outcomes than anything. Hilary Clinton spent her time at State negotiating better trade deals for American companies. That also isn’t communist.


Free college isn’t communist when you consider the dearth of soft skills in the U.S. that limit us economically. The fact that it sucks to wait 2 hours at the DMV means that government is inefficient, not communist. The EPA can be a huge pain in the ass to deal with, but also not communist.

So stop using the damn word like a drama queen baby. The system is dead. It has been for over 20 years. Now it is just an excuse to sound stupid and avoid actual critical thinking in an approach to modern issues.


Brian McKay is a co-founder of zenruption and absolutely hates drama queens. Stop using such a stupid term and have a discussion based on facts and actual thought or you're a moron. He needs a drink now.





Feature photo courtesy of Flickr, under Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial license