By Brian McKay
It hit me the other day. Hard. This ongoing depression has persisted ever since getting utterly wrecked with vodka and Sparkling Ice until 4am on election night. It’s not going to improve any time soon. We are stuck with an inarticulate Cheeto Puff in the White House for a while.
Ok, so let’s try another route. Some positivity is needed and to this end, it was time to find all the things I love about this fake tanned buffoon. May this be the list that lifts your day, gives you hope and sees that this might be a blessing in disguise.
Mr. President, here are ten things I love about you:
Your election brought fears of a movement towards authoritarianism. You can’t even manage your own White House. Heck, you can’t even manage you own mouth. Setting the new standard for the worst President in the history of the country, might be one of the few things you accomplish. Congratulations! That standard has existed for over a century. James Buchanan and Andrew Johnson wish they could hug you right now.
The Unity You Have Created
Yes sir, you have created unity. Bet it feels good to Be the Great Uniter, doesn’t it? Thanks for bringing together everyone that detests you and your policies. It is safe to say that liberals haven’t been this active and united ever. Even independents and some Republicans are uniting with us now. It’s pretty damn cool.
Making a Hot Mess Out of Entire Political Party
You can’t get anything done and they can’t either. It’s just awesome to watch the splintering that is taking place. Republicans are now torn between supporting you, your low approval ratings, getting re-elected and avoiding angry town halls. The party is now shown to have been hijacked by far-right Tea Party candidates. The whole party is now torn between alienating your hard-core supporters or alienating the rest of the country, that sees how bad you suck.
You Have Exposed the Cold and Dark Soul of the Republican Party
Millions losing health care, allowing coal to be dumped in rivers, permitting a pesticide tied to impeded brain development in toddlers, cutting free school lunches, eliminating the National Endowment of the Arts and taking funding from Meals on Wheels. The list of proposals and actions goes on and on. Even the majority of the country wanted us to stay in the Paris Agreement. Add in huge tax cuts for the rich, and any idiot can see what you all stand for. Well… any idiot smarter than a third of this country.
Introducing Cognitive Dissonance
They are fighting it tooth and nail. Some will never let it in but the more you act as a hypocritical buffoon, the closer they get. Yes, it’s hard for people to be wrong in America. Only a presidency that is this big of a disaster has the potential to change some of the devout. Eventually, many of them will realize that they can either hang out with Alex Jones listeners or come have drinks with those of us that are sane (and fun, really fun).
Bringing Out the Best in So Many
Can you believe you are such a great manager that you bring out the absolute best in people? Well you did. As we saw the hatred and racism in this country reaching new heights because you emboldened so many of your followers, the rest of us saw the need for love and acceptance. Hate crimes may be up 80 percent this year, but we are dedicated to fighting for all people. Seeing that racist and hateful part of America so much further exposed also shows us the change we need to foster and we are rising to the challenge.
As a bonus, music has been really good this year. I wrote an earlier article about how music improves during times of social strife. Yep, you brought out the best there as well.
You’ve Set an Example for Future Generations
Yes, you’ve set an amazing example. This example is commonly referred to as, “Don’t do a single thing that dumb ass did.” Our kids are far smarter than we are and have seen the destruction being left behind by the Baby Boomers. After a major financial downturn and watching the accompanying greed and consumerism, they get to see you acting worse than the school yard bully. Kids are concerned about the fate of the planet and your science denial has not escaped them. They will be completely different than you and the Fox News generation. If they have a world left to inherit, they will make it awesome.
You Showed How Much US Leadership Matters in the World
Abdicating our leadership by withdrawing from the Paris Agreement created some of the greatest magazine covers in history. Unfortunately, they showed how the whole world was looking to the US and it wasn’t good. As more Europeans now see us negatively than ever before, we see that once you and your cronies are gone, we need to become moral leaders in the world.
The Myth of the Businessman President is Finally Done
Many of us knew all along that it would never work. We knew that diplomacy, macroeconomics, separation of powers and the different purpose of government from business meant that such a pipe dream would never work. Add in that the people that elected you actually think you’re a great businessman and it dispels the myth even more. Don’t worry. I won’t tell them what a shitty businessperson you have shown yourself to be or your actual rate of return.
2018 and 2020 are Looking Kick Ass Because of You
Please don’t get impeached. I love you Donny. We need you burning things down for a bit. In a way, we earned it. The country got complacent and we let stupid people that believe in globalist conspiracy theories win. This is our big reset.
Keep up the asinine tweets
Don’t stop golfing all the time
Please don’t learn to read the legislation to are promoting
Pound those burgers and pieces of fried chicken
Let the White House stay a disaster
Keep dividing the Republican Party
You’re awesome in getting this country to where we are long overdue. Certainly, you didn’t plan it this way, but you might have been exactly what we needed. Just keep on keeping on and bringing about the big reset we need.
Wow. I feel really good now.