By Jerry Mooney
Is she tall and angular? Curvy? Stately? Perhaps a professional? Rich? A good cook? Any number of adjectives can describe various ways in which a woman can be attractive to a man. Is attraction merely superficial? Does character matter? Do opposites really attract? Here I will examine some of the less obvious traits mindful men look for in women?
Much of the time these criteria boil down to a person’s emotional IQ or their spiritual IQ. These terms are typically thrown around in work contexts, but are good reference points for interpersonal behavior.
Before describing some of the traits we look for, I will examine a few of the telltale traits we avoid. These are typically mirror traits, like we avoid mean people and we look for nice people. But sometimes there isn’t a clear opposite.
I don’t mean a date who would slam you into a locker at your local junior high. We can all agree that would be a person we wouldn’t want to date. But some of the more subtle traits of bullying are major red flags for mindful men. For example, I went on a first date with a woman who seemed like a real candidate. I appreciated her health consciousness and we had vegetarianism in common. In an attempt to impress me, I suspect, she insulted a fellow restaurant patron for ordering a steak. To me, the insult was more offensive than the steak. Being mindful is very personal, and even though being mindful also means wanting to influence change, our inward journey shows us that you cannot affect positive change with negative behavior like bullying, force or insults. Needless to say, this date went sour fast.
Now this doesn’t have to be an iron clad, telltale red flag, but there are some people who are chronically late. This signifies that they are inconsiderate, either of other people’s time or how much time they need to be punctual. When it is a pattern then there is underlying disrespect. It can also signify an inability to transition, i.e., go from one place to another. That can be endemic to a static personality, someone who resists change. Cell Phone Gawkers: If you must have your cell phone omnipresent, explain that something important, like a potential emergency brewing. Otherwise it comes off as disinterested and self absorbed.
Traits Mindful Men Look for:
If you are eating with a date and she’s rude to the waitress, ABORT! How you treat a stranger is a window into your character. If you perceive a waitress as subordinate or inferior, you don’t display your superiority, but instead a lack of grace.
Grace is hard to define, but it is obvious when it is present. It’s also obvious when it’s not. Complaining, condescending (that means talk down to), or being confrontational are all displays of a lack of grace.
Thanking your date for taking the time to get to know you might seem like an obvious thing, but if you feel entitled to have someone go out, perhaps buy you dinner etc. this comes across badly. Even if there is no interest in a second date, why not make the best of the one you’re on? (this is does not mean feeling obligated, merely thankful for the opportunity.)
Confidence is still. Dates can be stressful and cause us to be nervous. That’s understandable, but how is your general demeanor? It’s easy to say that confidence is attractive, but what does confidence look like? Confidence is not boastful or demanding of attention. It is still and stillness attracts.
The sincerity of their spiritual walk: We are all at different stages of development with regards to enlightenment and synching up exactly is less important than the sense that you are both equally committed to the path. Sometimes the pace changes and accommodating that change is especially easy if you know you are going in the same direction with the same intention.
One of the most underrated elements of dating is pace. People don’t like to be rushed or strung along and it’s difficult to find someone who is interested in taking the same pace as you. That’s a clue as to where you are with relation to the other person. Perhaps it’s a right person wrong time, type situation. But we are all in various stages of enthusiasm and healing. So expecting someone to go beyond their comfort zone merely creates stress instead of advancing a potential relationship. Someone might be ready to jump into a monogamous relationship with both feet, while another might be enjoying the variety of meeting lots of new people for the first time. Neither is wrong and both have potential matches out there. In any case, being mindful is also being patient. Enjoy the here and now. Trying to create the then and there, is not only a turnoff, but a sign that you might need some time alone.
Order what you want:
Wait, shouldn’t I restrict myself to the less expensive stuff on the menu if he’s paying? It’s understandable that you might want to order something inexpensive on a first date. This can be perceived as considerate, but when you order what you want regardless of expense you send the signal that you get what you want. It’s confident and it aligns with the perception that you deserve good things. Now, if you order a very expensive bottle of wine just to test the situation, that could be stretching this too far. But order what you want. It also gives true insight into who you are, which is honest. This also is a signal that you believe in abundance, rather than scarcity. This can be an important insight into how you look at life.
Some of these traits may seem abnormal, but the mindful man is carving a new path and reinventing the male stereotype.
Feature photo courtesy of Flickr, under Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial license
Jerry Mooney is co-founder and managing editor of Zenruption and the author of History Yoghurt and the Moon. He studied at the University of Munich and Lewis and Clark College where he received his BA in International Affairs and West European Studies. He has recently taught Language and Communications at a small, private college and owned various businesses, including an investment company that made him a millionaire before the age of 40. Jerry is committed to zenrupting the forces that block social, political and economic justice. He can also be found on Twitter@JerryMooney